HOW TO INCLUDE SEX IN THE SCHOOLBOOKSOne of the most common problems in sexual life is undressing.

It has been proved that undressing impedes sexual intercourse, especially in winter, when there is a greater corporeal presence of clothing.

There are two leading schools of undressing. Under Communism, the most popular one in this country was Medvedev-Krasnoyarski’s, but a more flexible method has caught on recently. It was devised by Nielsen and Strumpfstein, long-standing lecturers in the Garments Resistance Department at the University of Dusseldorf.

According to Nielsen-Strumpfstein, the most important thing in undressing is not to lose self-control. You have to approach the task of disrobing your partner with the firm belief that your efforts will be rewarded if you use the right strategy and take an appropriate position (see The Power of Positive Thinking in Undressing for the Purpose of Sex by V. Nielsen and H. Strumpfstein, published by Zucht und Geducht, 1997, paperback).

What matters mostly in undressing is to observe the Ziemerfeld Principle, also known as the Principle of Reverse Progression. According to this, clothes should be taken off in reverse order to the way they have been put on. For example, if your partner put on panties, a bra, tights, a skirt, a blouse, a jumper and a fur coat in the morning, it is recommended that you undress her in the following order: fur coat, jumper, blouse, skirt, tights, bra and panties.

Besides, it has been established that it is much easier to divest clothes that the man has bought out of his own pocket. Then the female partner has no moral right to grumble and cast ironic remarks about your clumsy attempts at undressing her.

But let us not get stuck in the treacherous quagmire of abstract theorisation that has taken a heavy scholarly toll. We should adopt a pragmatic approach instead and analyse the following case: let us suppose that your partner is wearing panties, a bra, tights, a skirt, a blouse, a jumper and a fur coat. What do we do?

Immediately proceed to remove the coat, because thick coats tend to increase the body temperature in warm rooms. This in turn leads to perspiration, which is not aesthetically pleasing.

The coat is removed by undoing the buttons, which is achieved by taking each button between your thumb and index finger and placing it through the buttonhole in the direction opposite to the one employed when the person was putting it on.

When you are sure that all buttons have passed through the respective buttonholes, take the coat by the two lapels and energetically remove it from your partner’s body.

It is now the jumper’s turn. Take the jumper with both your hands in the area around the hips (the rule is: left hand – right hip; right hand – left hip) and carefully pull it up in the direction of the ceiling. If your partner is intelligent enough, she will raise her arms in the same direction to ease the process.

The most delicate moment you’ll encounter is when the jumper passes over your partner’s head. It may get stuck on her earrings and this will probably instigate offensive words at your ineptitude.

Don’t let this provoke you, keep calm and continue undressing her.

Taking off the blouse should be in accordance with its properties. If it is the “with buttons” type, act in the same way as with the coat. If it is the “no buttons” type, you should apply the jumper method.

Then it is time to proceed with the removal of the skirt. More often than not it has a zip fastener that usually jams. This zip jam can cause you to spontaneously curse like a sailor, which will reduce your partner’s libido.

This is why you should try to remain calm and put some lubricating graphite on the zip. In case there is no lubricating graphite available, you can use other lubricants like olive oil or lard.

When you are finished with the zip, take the skirt with both your hands in the area around the hips (remember: left hand – right hip; right hand – left hip) and pull it down in the direction of the floor until the skirt reaches level zero.

The successful performance of all these actions may boost your selfesteem, but don’t get swollen-headed. The most difficult part is next.

Take the tights by the elastic band in the area of the waist and carefully disengage the elastic band from your partner’s skin. Then pull it in the direction of the floor. You have to be very careful because tights are commonly made of very fine material that is easy to tear. A torn pair of tights may ruin your partner’s libido.

You may notice a lack of tights on some partners, which is compensated by the presence of towelling socks of the “rustic honour” type. Such socks are relatively easier to remove. But at average temperatures exceeding 25 degrees Celsius there is abundant perspiration on the bottom of the foot which can sometimes result in an unpleasant adhesion of the towelling sock to the sole and a sound resembling the undoing of a Velcro strip. In some cases the removal of such sweaty socks may be painful and ruin your partner’s libido.

Problems most commonly occur while removing the bra. Here is Nielsen- Strumpfstein’s expert advice on how to approach this task:

Stand facing your partner and position your hands on the area between her shoulder blades. Now your aim is to grope your way to the fastener, which is normally between the seventh and ninth vertebrae of the spinal column.

After you find the fastener, insert your right thumb under the elastic band of the bra and push it in a direction opposite the spinal column so that there is a gap of between 24 and 36 millimetres between the band and the surface of the back. Also insert your left thumb in the gap, just in case.

After both your thumbs are in position, find the fastener with your index and middle finger. It usually consists of a pair of hooked pieces of wire and two openings in which the aforementioned hooks are fitted.

Now you have to make opposite movements with the hands (not forgetting the thumbs which have to maintain the 24-36 mm gap between the elastic band of the bra and the surface of the back the whole time) to detach the hooks from the openings.

This does not happen immediately in 95 percent of cases. But this temporary failure should not discourage you. This is when you have to show your determination and continue with your attempts until you succeed. (Undoing a bra within six or eight minutes is considered a success.)

The divestment of the panties should not be underestimated either. The possible problems that you may encounter include: flesh-colour panties that are hard to differentiate from the adjacent skin or profuse pubic hair that impedes manual access to the underwear.

The type of panties most difficult to remove is the thongs because of the inadequate amount of cloth in them. In such cases, Nielsen-Strumpfstein’s advice is to approach them from the front because it is harder to identify the cloth at the rear (especially with corpulent partners).

Thus your partner is completely undressed. Now the question arises what to do with all these clothes you have removed from her body.

Here the two schools are at odds. According to Nielsen-Strumpfstein, the clothes should be left in disarray until the act is finished. Medvedev and Krasnoyarski recommend that the clothes are carefully folded and arranged in military fashion.

Practice shows that both approaches could ruin your partner’s libido.

I personally prefer Nielsen-Strumpfstein’s method, not only because they are more liberal as far as undressing is concerned, but also because I am this theory’s exclusive agent in Bulgaria.




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