THE SUPERSTITIOUS CAN’T SCREW

 

HOW TO INCLUDE SEX IN THE SCHOOLBOOKSHow shall we explain the fact that today, in this highly technological age, when rich countries invest huge amounts of money in the development of science, there are still millions of people who believe in all sorts of ludicrous superstitions? I have seen otherwise intelligent people shaking with fear at the sight of a black cat and panicking when they break a mirror.

These pagan superstitions escalate uncontrollably in those of more unstable mind and turn into overriding phobias that ruin their lives.

Isn’t it pure madness to look for the insidious hand of fate in each chance phenomenon and blame your misfortunes on the fact that you got out of bed with your left foot? Do you believe that if all black cats in this world were hanged, our lives would be happier?

The worst thing is that fatalism has a harmful effect on sex too. If you see sinister omens in any situation, you are bound to develop perpetual impotence. Medical literature describes a number of severe cases of sexual fatalism, where patients go as far as to tie a red thread with a blue bead on their penises to ward off evil!

Being an advocate of a more peaceful and harmonious sexual life, I feel obliged to bring to light some of the most common superstitions in sex.

 Here they are:

 YOU WILL HAVE BAD LUCK

 If a black cat crosses your path

Superstitious people regard not only black cats as bad signs but also the charming female organs known as “black pussies” by the porn industry. Today this superstition does not play a major role because due to widespread depilation you can hardly see whether the pussy is black, red or blonde. But, during my adolescence, exuberant pubic hair was something that the fair sex proudly sported and it was quite common for a “black pussy” to cross your way.

 If you leave a hat on the bed

Trust me – it is much wiser to throw your darn hat on the bed before having sex than to leave it on your head. Especially if you are an officer. Women find the cockade particularly annoying while you are doing cunnilingusto them.

 If you sing before breakfast

There are people whose singing brings bad luck to anybody listening to them. But if, after a relatively successful sex act, you warble a gentle O Sole Mio to your partner in the morning, you may even deceive her that you are a romantic soul.

 If you bring eggs home in the dark

Being a shy, old-fashioned and not particularly broad-minded person, I am used to always carrying my eggs in the dark – in my boxer shorts. I have no intention of giving up this habit because I suspect that the neighbours would be unpleasantly shocked if one day I decided to take out my eggs in broad daylight when coming home one day.

 If you go under a folding ladder

A friend of mine claims that his sex life was ruined simply because he passed under an open folding ladder. His fiancée was standing on it and painting the ceiling. Nobody knows why she had decided that she would do a better job of it with no underwear on. My friend went under the ladder and was terrified to bang his head on his fiancée’s hanging balls. Oh God, there is so much misery in this world!

 If you cut your nails on a Friday

I am sure that if you go on a date with your nails as long as those of a bird of prey only because it is Friday, you won’t find much understanding. There are, of course, a lot of fans of naturalness who regard not only nail-cutting but also hair-cutting, shaving and washing as contrary to the laws of nature. But they don’t enjoy an intensive sex life.

 If you meet a pig right after your wedding

Well, my wife did meet a pig right after her wedding. I had found all the pomp of the occasion and Mendelssohnian pathos too much to bear and got drunk as a pig, starting from the morning. Today, my wife sadly admits that it is better to see apig after your wedding than to live with one all your life.

 If you put your shirt on inside out

I have to agree with this. If you go out to buy two pots of yoghurt and return after a couple of hours wearing your shirt inside out, you will certainly be in trouble with your wife. Especially if there are lipstick smears on your shirt.

 If you sleep on unpressed sheets

You will hardly find any understanding if you take out an iron right after the act and eagerly start ironing the creased sheets to escape the hand of fate.

 If you take something out of the house on the first day of the New Year

Come on – don’t use this as an excuse to leave used condoms lying on the floor until Epiphany.

 YOU WILL HAVE GOOD LUCK

 If you keep a shell in your pocket

Sexually experienced women claim, however, that they are much more satisfied andconfident when they carry a vibrator in their pocket.

 If you hear a cricket’s song

Yes, a cricket’s song is more desirable than the dreary murmur of the crab lice.

 If you put your dress on inside out

I am sure that in most cases this brings bad luck (see “If you put your shirt on inside out”)

 If you sneeze three times before breakfast

It is certainly better than if you fart six times after dinner.

 As you see, superstitions are harmful cock-and-bull stories and it is good to get rid of them if you want to have an adequate sex life. I myself gave up all my prejudices and since then, touch wood, I have enjoyed an incredibly successful sex life. Even now, while I finish these lines, my phone rang and a really cute girl invited me to dinner. I may even get her into bed if a black cat doesn’t cross my way…

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